But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with
wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:31 NKJ)
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A “Restoration Conversation”
-Restoration after Betrayal , Abuse or Offense.
Father God, you are Holy above all things in my life and I give you praise and honor for all that you are and all that you have blessed me with and entrusted to me. I know that ANY relationship is a privilege and not a “right.” To commune with those whom you love is to honor you, so I ask for YOUR heart of restoration. Give me humility and strength to do that which you ask me to do in the restoring of any tiff, argument, or exhibition of my pride. I repent of my pride in the situation between myself and ___________ as exhibited through my _____(name offense)______________ and I take back all ground I gave the enemy through my pride and yield it back to your throne, Jesus. I surrender my “right” to be angry and bitter, and ask that You give me a humble heart. Please walk me through the steps to restore this situation. Restore my heart to be full and whole before you, blameless and washed clean by the blood of our precious Savior, Jesus Christ, who died for such occasions as this. Help me to love fully in YOU, Lord. Fill me with more of YOUR Love, Lord Jesus, for my own love is sometimes tainted with agendas, hidden hurt , pain, and a spirit of self-preservation at. Bring total healing to all areas of my heart as I surrender it right now to Your Will and control. I ask this in the name of Jesus, to your glory, not my own, AMEN.
Living with angry or negative people who blame others for every little infraction can be draining and also cause you to feel hopeless. The Conversation above was meant for those who are either convicted by their sinful attitudes, which hurt another. You can try to use the 3 Phrases of Restoration but if this is a continual “loosing battle” with a specific someone, you may need more help. If you find yourself constantly apologizing for the least amount of action, out of guilt or the control of another who constantly sees your actions as offensive to them, you may want to see a pastor or counselor who will take you deeper into the Lord’s presence to see what HE thinks of you, how HE sees you, and to help you see the TRUTH in a situation where you may be manipulated by another and their issues. This is abusive and will only cause resentment and pain. You need prayer support and a movement of the Lord in this area to change the heart of another, along with protecting yourself.
This conversation is between two people who want restoration after a deep betrayal or offense has taken place (see box at bottom). Unfortunately, most conflicts between two people leave the offended / hurt person having to forgive the offender on their own, and before Christ, because the offending party is …
• not available (deceased or not communicating for whatever reason) • not willing to meet for restoration • not willing to be humble and submit him/herself to the other party • not even aware of offending or having hurt another • know of the conflict but are not willing to admit that they have done anything to hurt another
I AM HURT! If you were deeply hurt or offended by someone that you may have loved or trusted, and that person falls into any of the categories above, then you need release from the trap of unforgivenes, lest your Heavenly Father forgive YOU with the same measure you forgive them. The steps on our Forgiveness / Releasing - Prayer page can help you do that.
Jesus said, "If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother”. -- Matthew 18:15
IF YOU ARE ALREADY STARTING TO FEEL “WIGGY” at THIS stage, or you feel we are asking something of you that seems impossible for you to do right now, it’s probably because you have deeper hurts and pain that need to be addressed with the Lord. Some people hurt because of unresolved pain and they expect another to heal it, or they want or to address their own pain before they reach out to another in restoration. It’s our hidden pride in this process that wants to say, “What about ME?” Humility is tough when we hurt. You need healing in the Lord and a great place to start is in the PAIN WORDS, the 2 MINUTE QUICK CLEANSE , and the QUICK START TO HEALING. Dear heart, please know that the Lord cares deeply for your pain and longs to shelter you in His arms and pour out his mercy upon these hurts, if surrendered to Him. You have to be willing to let go of your pain and let the Lord Jesus into all areas of your heart – this is what this website is all about. Please know that is with His grace and love for you that He will also ask you to do what He asks in restoration with another. We do this in HIS strength and not our own. We ask and He is faithful to pour out what is needed. It’s His desire for us to be healed and restored unto Him and onto others.
If you were hurt by someone who IS available for restoration and it’s a brother or sister in the Lord, then you should still follow the steps listed in Forgiveness / Releasing - Prayer, and THEN go to your sister or brother and share what happened to your heart so that there can be restoration before God. Going through the steps of forgiving another is crucial so that you do not reach out to them through the filter of pain or bitterness, if things have progressed to such a degree. (See Confronting an Offense for helpful steps in approaching a brother or sister who has sinned against you) I KNOW that I hurt someone…
Finally, brothers, rejoice. Be perfected, be comforted, be of the same mind, live in peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you. (2 Corinthians 13:11)
1)Receive Forgiveness from God. If you are the offending party and you know that you have hurt someone deeply, then you first need to turn and ask forgiveness from your Heavenly
Father for the offense and take responsibility for your actions.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12) Restoration to God is always the most important thing to remember, because God always calls us to “turn” to Him and repent from all sin. The faster you do this, the better the chance that bitterness will not seep into the hearts of either person, and the easier it will be to humble yourself the NEXT time you feel conviction over your words or actions. 2)Receive Healing from the Lord. This is important so that you don’t reach out to another out of pain or bitterness. Realize that most conflict comes out of “OLD PAIN” to begin with. “Hurt people hurt people,” meaning that someone may trigger old pain in you, leading you to feel fearful of being abandoned, rejected, used, etc. In addition to old hurts creeping in, much frustration, anxiety, or even pressure comes from lies we believe about ourselves, such as “I need to be perfect,” or “no one listens to me.” Ask the Lord what lies are causing you to REACT hurtfully toward another. Ask Him to reveal his light and truth into those lies. Then ask Him to bring whatever
healing is necessary to your heart, telling Him that you receive all that he has for you. (See Pain Words to identify some of these feelings, along with using the 2 Minute Quick Cleanse for help in resolving issues at the throne). To RECEIVE forgiveness and healing does not always mean you have to FEEL it. Just SAYING,“Lord “I RECEIVE your forgiveness for ___(name it - see 2 Minute Quick Cleanse) _______”helps us to actually walk in that freedom He so freely gives. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), so we do not want to play into the enemy;s hands with any guilt or shame. 3)Ask for humility and a heart that cares for the other person. The Lord cares for this person more than you could ever care for them, and He knows exactly how to reach their heart. He may impress upon you to take some other steps other than the ones we have printed below, or He may ADD TO THEM by leading you to bring flowers to a meeting, dinner tickets to their office, or something else that may speak to their heart specifically. A humble heart allows you to speak with a “Godly Repentance,” and not from “Worldly Repentance,” which leads to death. Some people apologize out of a sense of obligation, and from a heart that is not humble, but one that holds resentment. Or they have a desire to just get someone off their back.
The other person will KNOW that you are truly sorry if you speak to them with a repentant heart.
“For godly sorrow worketh repentance unto salvation, a repentance which bringeth no regret: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10)
4) Reach out to the person you offended and walk though the steps below with them. Even if they are not aware of the offense, you want to keep a clear conscience before God if the Holy Spirit has convicted you, and the release that these steps can bring will only strengthen your relationship.
5) Set up a time to talk. This can be done over the phone, but it is preferable to meet in person. Pick a setting where the two of you will not be interrupted. Pray in the Spirit as you approach the meeting. Bring the Lord with you to set the scene, asking Him to prepare the other’s heart as well as your own.
If you meet face-to-face, and if this is a loved one where you can turn toward them and hold their hands, DO SO. This movement is powerful and allows for more walls between you to vanish or not be formed at all during the next stressful encounter. 6) Give Praise and Thanksgiving to God for WHATEVER HE does! He is always doing something and He will not waste one moment of these
A Restoration Conversation
Below is a “formula” for a Restoration Conversation and then an example of what this may look like, to help you write your own according to your specific circumstances (see also Restoring Conversation - Builder for more help). • The offending party sits across from the person they have hurt, facing them and holding their hands (if appropriate and if the other party will allow them to). • Affirm love for that person (reach deep for your true feelings) • State what you did and how you know this has hurt them. • Share how you know that you are not deserving of their trust, but what you will do to earn that back (they can CHOOSE to forgive you but one cannot CHOOSE TO TRUST - that is earned). • State a promise of an action, boundary, change in behavior that you will make to help prevent the offense/abuse/betrayal from happening again. Keep in mind that your words are USELESS if you continue such an offense, knowingly, over and over and over again . Let’s remember that there is no more excuse to “continue to sin” (1 John 3:6 & Hebrews 10:26), but we may hurt someone again without meaning to. Be sure you know where your heart and behavior falls before Christ. • Ask for their forgiveness (see 3 Restoration Phrases)
A Restoration Conversation Example
(Offending party speaks:) “______(Name of person they are addressing)____, words cannot express how deeply I love you and would never want to hurt you, and how deeply I am grieved that my actions did hurt you. I know my actions were not loving and I am deeply sorry that I behaved in such a way as to cause you pain or sorrow. You did not deserve such an offense by me, and I was wrong to________(name offense)____ . I understand how this would hurt you. I know that you have lost trust in me and I promise to do all I can to win that trust back, if you will only give me the chance. I promise to never put you in a position to doubt me again and I promise to _____(name action, give up behavior, or boundary you are willing to adhere to in Christ) and I also promise to sow into our relationship the love, respect and honor you so deserve. Again, I’m truly sorry, will you forgive me?”
steps towards restoration in Him. Even if the other person has closed his/her heart, hardened it, and is unwilling to reconcile, know that God will bless you, AND work in their heart as He pursues their heart until they leave this earth. Obedience is Key and you don’t want anything hanging over your head so forgive freely, love the Lord enough to Love your neighbor and seek His will in the building of the Kingdom. Read over the recipe for a Restoration Conversation below, and then look over the conversation example in the box below it. Get out some pen and paper and make your plan, then take it to the Lord in persistent prayer asking for strength and direction, and an opportunity for restoration. .